24 March 2009

me

i dont get. here i am, two years down the line, feeling as unwell as ever. i thought that i got away with the weekend. emotionally spent. i thought with m.e that physically or mentally exerting yourself, you'd recieve a whack in the body which would tell you to slow down. i had'nt bargained on emotions playing a part. not usually one for tears, a few dropped this weekend in private. next morning i felt pretty unwell, thought nothing of it. i had thoughts running round my head, with my past, and future being full of nothing. thats not completely fair, but at the moment thats what it feels like.

a few close people that have made me feel uneasy in the past, have revealed sides of themselves which i instinctively knew exisited but didnt want to acknowledge. this has upset me a great deal. and when your in the muck ,wading through things with a b, of an illness like m.e you feel defeated.

im quite optimistic usually. and im sure things will spring back into shape. and if i could lose some of these symptoms, then i know that i could deal with things more efficiently.

i read the headlines yesterday sylvia plath's son commits suicide. i read the bell jar, read selected poems, years back. it kind of shocked me seeing this hulk of a man holding a fish, to me he looked a secure,safe person, solid. and his self was too much to hold on to.

i will read this post back in a few weeks and realise how low my writing was. i apologise.

2 comments:

diver said...

Hi Alice. I don't mind how 'low' your writing gets and certainly don't think you need to apologise for it. I reckon the greatest thing about blogging is that we get to meet real authentic people who are dealing with real authentic issues. I don't think it's something we need to apologise for, anyway.

In the 'mental health' blog networks I guess these meetings are therapeutic too. Just to know that we're not the only ones out there who are dealing with complex mental stuff can be mighty reassuring at times.

Have you tried searching 'Blogger' for others with M.E issues? I came across Catherine Morgan (click name) the other day and thought 'I bet Alice would like this blog'. Catherine seems to have researched her stuff really well :) Just thought you might be interested ...

alice said...

hi diver

thanks for the link. i will take a look, its thoughtful of you. i have a couple of m.e blogs in favourites.

its seems when i get new symptoms, which can be scary i go into panic mode. i tend to hold things in, and not discuss, which is a life long habit. and i always think that im prepared for the symptoms and im not. its a crazy illness, which makes me static.
thanks again. alice.