21 March 2009

unusual

today was a good day, and a bad day.

my dad offered to take me out for a push! so on the way, i cant breathe, my m.e symptoms are bad. i say out loud that i cant breathe, something that i have been learning to do. i spent so many years with anxiety, hiding any trace, so no one knew, or could tell i was anxious.

after a while, after i smelled my vics vapour rub, which strangly helps. we carried on. a couple of more times this happened, and i did the same thing. said out loud i couldnt breathe, and smelled the vic. it eased. now im confused, is it anxiety? or m.e? my pulse was 64.

anxious getting out of the car, again said that if i need to go home then i need to go. dad walked for around 30 minutes or more, and then we sat in the cafe and i drank 2 cammomile teas. which i didnt think i would manage, so i asked for take a way in case i had to go, something else which im getting used to doing. it was good sitting in the sun, outside.

ive also noticed over the past few months im getting nervous sitting inside places. claustrophobia. something ive overcome in the past a little. i know im avoiding the insides of places, i just cant help myself at the moment.

the bad day, i got upset at my situation. everything felt pointless. hopeless. if/when i overcome m.e, ive still got the battle with anxiety. when will it all end? feel a little on edge.

3 comments:

Nechtan said...

Hi Alice,

It is an interesting point about whether the symptoms of breathing difficulties are physical or mental. I've often thought on this and still not come up with an answer. Sometimes I go for a walk and I am positive the breathing difficulties are a physical symptom. Then I think back to the 6 week good period I had a year ago and I had none of those. That was in between 3-4 years of them previously and a year of them since. But can they just come and go like that if they are physical?

I think the only way we will ever know for sure is if we overcome our anxiety problems. But its a vicious circle. Breathing difficulties cause anxiety and anxiety causes breathing problems. Its near impossible to tell which is fuelling which.

All the best

Nechtan

alice said...

hi nechtan

im cofused. breathing wasnt such a big difficulty with my anxiety before. so i therefore thought that it isnt anxiety. my pulse was 64, which is low, so was i anxious? i must keep a check on my thoughts to see if anything is making me anxious.

its so intense, and so awful. its the only symptom that ive said out loud, because its scared me so much. ive managed to keep everything else safely locked in my head.

im glad i persisted, almost saying it out loud helped me to continue with the journey, which is odd for me. before i didnt want the fuss of people asking how i was, so i held it in.

maybe this is the way forward.

do you tell anyone when your anxious? if so do you have to feel really asful before you do?
thanks. alice.

Nechtan said...

Hi Alice,

Firstly I forgot to say well done on getting out and pushing yourself through those episodes. That takes alot of guts to do. So again well done.

I don't tell anyone if I am starting to panic. My wife has learned to read the signs. I claw my next as anxiety grows so she knows but doesn't say at the time. I just can't acknowlege it when its happening. I feel if I did I would not be able to stop it spilling over and it would bring unwanted attention. I need to put everything into keeping it in check without distraction. That is the wrong way but for me the only way at the moment.

All the best

Nechtan