after the cancellation yesterday, i was awake, and a little confident. so i decided a trip into croydon ( yep local concrete town) was due. i needed a few bits and pieces. as i was approaching the town centre i couldnt breathe properly, ive only been experiencing this since january, a new m.e symptom or anxiety? i thought as usual that i could override the feeling, and i couldnt.
ive just been reading coffeecups latest entry, about her feeling like she cant tell anyone about her anxiety. well ive been the same. however since these frightening' i cant breathe episodes', its almost forced me from keeping it all in, to ( in a controlled way still) blurting it all out. this is quite strange for me to give whoever im with a running commentary on my mental state. it lasted for ten minutes or so, when i said 'i dont think im going to be able to go in'. quite calmly, apologizing. but for that ten minutes i went over how i couldnt breathe properly.
is my body fed up of keeping anxiety to its self? i dont always say things out loud, only when i cant breathe properly. its took over twenty years to get to this point. why dont i want people to know? why did i feel it fine to suppress all these feelings and emotions? embarrassment maybe. embarrassment at being me. it was important that no one found out. and i still dont understand why.
whilst looking through the dictionary for the word cancellation ( which i spelt correctly) i came across the word canker, the word seems appropriate with anxiety.