6 March 2009


after the cancellation yesterday, i was awake, and a little confident. so i decided a trip into croydon ( yep local concrete town) was due. i needed a few bits and pieces. as i was approaching the town centre i couldnt breathe properly, ive only been experiencing this since january, a new m.e symptom or anxiety? i thought as usual that i could override the feeling, and i couldnt.

ive just been reading coffeecups latest entry, about her feeling like she cant tell anyone about her anxiety. well ive been the same. however since these frightening' i cant breathe episodes', its almost forced me from keeping it all in, to ( in a controlled way still) blurting it all out. this is quite strange for me to give whoever im with a running commentary on my mental state. it lasted for ten minutes or so, when i said 'i dont think im going to be able to go in'. quite calmly, apologizing. but for that ten minutes i went over how i couldnt breathe properly.

is my body fed up of keeping anxiety to its self? i dont always say things out loud, only when i cant breathe properly. its took over twenty years to get to this point. why dont i want people to know? why did i feel it fine to suppress all these feelings and emotions? embarrassment maybe. embarrassment at being me. it was important that no one found out. and i still dont understand why.

whilst looking through the dictionary for the word cancellation ( which i spelt correctly) i came across the word canker, the word seems appropriate with anxiety.


diver said...

Hi Alice. Breathing difficulties are one of the most common anxiety symptoms. My breaths for example become 'shallow, short and sharp' whenever I go to town. I just feel claustrophobic when there's lots of people around me and start panting, sort-of, I guess.

I don't try to override it (the breathing) anymore though, I just breathe shallow and 'ride with it' and try to keep it as steady as possible.

Can you describe what happens with your breathing - for example do you choke or stop breathing almost completely; or does your breathing become irregular like how I described my own?

Coffeecup said...

It's so odd that sometimes I notice that I'm holding my breath or breathing too fast in a panic, but not always. Anxiety seems to find new and inventive ways of showing itself to you. As Diver points out, it's a classic common sign.

Alice I wish I knew why I feel the need to keep the fear and the symptoms private. Before I understood I was having panic attacks I used to blurt out all of the things that were going on. Over time I clammed up, probably because I felt like a record that had got stuck, that no one was interested anymore. The times have been countless and so I just stopped talking. I just don't want the negative attetion, which all part of our utter failure to not judge people who have issues that affect their mental health. This has to be wrong?

diver said...

I think clamming up over time is ok, maybe even a normal and natural ego defense mechanism. I mean, social life is a jungle. Sure there's nice people out there but there's heaps more that'll get superior with us for our perceived weaknesses. And as CoffeeCup says, who needs the negative attention?

Soooo ... I don't think it's 'wrong' to clam up. I do think blogging is a safer place to blurt than with say family and friends though. There's a double safety here : we talk with like-minded individuals plus maintain some anonymity. It's like a safe hidden valley in the vast social jungle :)

alice said...

i seem to stop breathing, i know i had an appointment with a reflexologist a few years back, and at one point she said to me 'breathe' as i wasnt breathing, i had just stopped.

i just seem to play dead for some reason.

im just getting to the point where i can share my feelings more. yet from a small kid i couldnt say out loud how i was feeling. not one bit. its so frustrating.

thanks for replying.