after the cancellation yesterday, i was awake, and a little confident. so i decided a trip into croydon ( yep local concrete town) was due. i needed a few bits and pieces. as i was approaching the town centre i couldnt breathe properly, ive only been experiencing this since january, a new m.e symptom or anxiety? i thought as usual that i could override the feeling, and i couldnt.
ive just been reading coffeecups latest entry, about her feeling like she cant tell anyone about her anxiety. well ive been the same. however since these frightening' i cant breathe episodes', its almost forced me from keeping it all in, to ( in a controlled way still) blurting it all out. this is quite strange for me to give whoever im with a running commentary on my mental state. it lasted for ten minutes or so, when i said 'i dont think im going to be able to go in'. quite calmly, apologizing. but for that ten minutes i went over how i couldnt breathe properly.
is my body fed up of keeping anxiety to its self? i dont always say things out loud, only when i cant breathe properly. its took over twenty years to get to this point. why dont i want people to know? why did i feel it fine to suppress all these feelings and emotions? embarrassment maybe. embarrassment at being me. it was important that no one found out. and i still dont understand why.
whilst looking through the dictionary for the word cancellation ( which i spelt correctly) i came across the word canker, the word seems appropriate with anxiety.
4 comments:
Hi Alice. Breathing difficulties are one of the most common anxiety symptoms. My breaths for example become 'shallow, short and sharp' whenever I go to town. I just feel claustrophobic when there's lots of people around me and start panting, sort-of, I guess.
I don't try to override it (the breathing) anymore though, I just breathe shallow and 'ride with it' and try to keep it as steady as possible.
Can you describe what happens with your breathing - for example do you choke or stop breathing almost completely; or does your breathing become irregular like how I described my own?
It's so odd that sometimes I notice that I'm holding my breath or breathing too fast in a panic, but not always. Anxiety seems to find new and inventive ways of showing itself to you. As Diver points out, it's a classic common sign.
Alice I wish I knew why I feel the need to keep the fear and the symptoms private. Before I understood I was having panic attacks I used to blurt out all of the things that were going on. Over time I clammed up, probably because I felt like a record that had got stuck, that no one was interested anymore. The times have been countless and so I just stopped talking. I just don't want the negative attetion, which all part of our utter failure to not judge people who have issues that affect their mental health. This has to be wrong?
I think clamming up over time is ok, maybe even a normal and natural ego defense mechanism. I mean, social life is a jungle. Sure there's nice people out there but there's heaps more that'll get superior with us for our perceived weaknesses. And as CoffeeCup says, who needs the negative attention?
Soooo ... I don't think it's 'wrong' to clam up. I do think blogging is a safer place to blurt than with say family and friends though. There's a double safety here : we talk with like-minded individuals plus maintain some anonymity. It's like a safe hidden valley in the vast social jungle :)
i seem to stop breathing, i know i had an appointment with a reflexologist a few years back, and at one point she said to me 'breathe' as i wasnt breathing, i had just stopped.
i just seem to play dead for some reason.
im just getting to the point where i can share my feelings more. yet from a small kid i couldnt say out loud how i was feeling. not one bit. its so frustrating.
thanks for replying.
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