after an incredibly hard year i managed to put on a stone. im 8st. or was. ive lost half a stone over the past week. im not happy. really im not. while i was in the hosptial the doc took a look at me and mentioned a feeding tube, i said 'im not that thin, knowing that i was 8st. he said i was mid-way. i just think he wanted to scare me. the past few days have been a struggle. when things get bad even drinking is difficult. i know if i could get to 9st, although still underweight then at least things wouldnt be so bad. i know i will feel like i have an extra layer of flesh covering me, but i need to over rule the nonsense thats been rulling me for so long. when i get overwhelmed by emotions i just lose my appetite. thats no excuse though when i listen to the hunger feeling and just not decide to eat, when im not overwhelmed i can. must.
i want to change the way i think, i want to be different. im fed up with being dominated with these unhelpful thoughts. im weak, fragile, feeling like im going to fall of the tightripe any minute. yet part of my brain is strong, persistant, dilligent. i want to tap into this energy.
i need to listen to myself a little bit more too. we all have the answers, i know i override myself. thinking that i can cope with things, putting others first, their feelings over mine. instead of blurting out how i feel, i hold back. even when i was a child i would be scared over something and just not say, stay closed lipped. the past few days ive been crying out loud, sobbing in front of people. very unusual, not like me at all. and ive not held back, or walked into another room and hid. is this good? ive come so far down that i dont care.
oh, and this morning my lower back decides to join in, doing up my plimsolls i felt a twinge, and now im walking extremely slowly giving out the odd arghhhhhhhhhhhhh. and my ear, is blocked.