11 April 2009

the hosptial

im not feeling too bad. actually feeling better than thursday. and i cant believe that i was taken to hosptial in an ambulance. i know a normal occurence. i just wasnt in my head in the ambulance it was such a weird feeling. like something was going to happen. the only other time id been in one was when i was 15 and had a skiing accident, although i was anxious then, i was no where near the same as now.

they asked me where i wanted to go, a choice of two hospitals. well our usual one, in the past few years has gone down hill. but i didnt want anything new. however they took me to the new one in kent. as i arrived, and had a blast of cold air, from outside the hospital, i was wheeled down the corridors. i was feeling awful, anxiety at a high, ( my worst phobia is hosptial, and a&e is off the scale!) i just thought bugger what do i do. i cant go home, because i was in such a state i knew i had to stay.

luckily the a&e rooms were ok. im assessing them in my awful state. they had concrete walls between the cubicles, and half the curtain was crossed, i felt hidden, and they wheeled the people in on the other side of the room, it was quite quiet too. as i lay there i thought that that was a postive! they dug around in my arms for a vein, as i had drank only half a litre of water in two days it was a difficult job. have a lovely big bruise on the back of my hand. they did find one eventually. in went the drip.

so theres me with my pjs on, unwashed hair, drip in arm, ecg stickers over my chest and legs, red faced from being so hot, just not giving a damn. i never even had any shoes on or socks. and i didnt care. when they suggested i stay the night, i thought what do i do. i knew i was to ill to go home. and thats the funny thing, my first thought always is, go home. and i knew if i went, i woud be coming straight back. by this time my sister and niece had arrived, and dad, with shoes for me!, they looked into finding me a private room, it would cost £440 per night, i said book it. however once you book the room you then have to go through the private system, and cant have any treatment on the nhs for the condition you were brought in with.

mum said just go and see the ward, you dont have to stay. i went there was only four beds in it. the curtain was around me, the window was opened and it was midnight. i thought only till morning. hoping there wasnt going to be any nasties happening in the ward in the night. there was some snoring but again i just thought who cares. my mum, dad and sister offered to stay. mum stayed with me in the end. i felt bad her sitting in the chair but i know i couldnt of coped alone, and i just didnt care how it looked.

i had to be wheeled to the bathroom, had someone with me in the loo. thats so difficult how can you pee with someone standing next to you!

i couldnt sleep and never slept. next morning came, another bag of water with stuff in. chirpy auxiliary nurse came, really pleasant. i was feeling a little better, drank some water. was assessed by the doc, could go home. although he was a little bemused why i wasnt referred by my gp to get the postural hypotension sorted. i was just told to were some flight socks by the gp. hopefully fingers crossed i will get some more information in the next few weeks, and i may start to feel a little better.

i was told that my aunt that lives in warwickshire was going to come down today if i was still in. and my brother was going to come up from devon. its not until something happens that you realise that people do care.

this is how anxiety messes with your head. i was quite pleased with how i dealt with the last two days. how i turned some negatives into postives. yet i think if it would happen again, i was still be in that anxious mess!

sorry about the long post, just good to go it out of my head.


Coffeecup said...

I had to look up what posturnal hypotension was, and see now why anxiety would make you feel worse and vice versa. I wonder if it has something to do with your ME diagonsis? With feeling so exhausted? There's a brief and interesting little article on this link -


So glad that the doc thought you fit to come home and that you're feeling more like yourself. To have to face your worst fear and be feeling so poorly was quite an achievement brave lady! Please take it easy sweetheart ......X

Robert said...

Well done for coping with the hospital! Aren't you lucky to have so many people who care for you?

I hope that you can get the apropriate care now, to prevent this happening again.

Best wishes.

diver said...

My mum has postural hypotension. She's fine when sitting or lying down but when she stands up she gets terribly dizzy. Specialists say it's a blood pressure thing. They want to treat it with some sort of steroid but she's really reluctant ... she doesn't trust doctors at all.

Your ambulance/hospital experience ... wow ... you did so well, sounds like you just steeled yourself and went through it. It makes me think you're a lot tougher than maybe you think you are. And you sure have lots of love and support around you. That was nice to read Alice :)

On the other hand £440 per night for a hospital room? Wow, that was a shock.

alice said...

hi steph

thanks for the link i will take a look. i feel a bit of a fraud, with being brave at the hospital. i think being so poorly i didnt give a damn. i knew that i had no where to run. it was alittle easier than i thought from an anxiety point of view, because of the points i made about the hospital. crazy though, i still think i would be the same if it happened again, a mess!

alice said...

hi robert

i hope i will get some more help now. i feel dont want to feel like this much longer. its a dreadful place to be in. limbo.

and isnt marie doing well. im sure you are so proud of her.

alice said...

hi diver,

you say i might be alot tougher than i think i am. i wish i could believe that i really do. although the doc said that my body is quite resilliant with what i have put i through. some of the tests they did, should of come back in a worser condition, yet they hadnt, even i was surprised. they threaten the feeding tube if i didnt eat, but im not that thin, so i didnt let that affect my anxiety.

and the room, well i would of had it, i just didnt know how far the treatment would go or how long.

thanks for all your comments.

Nechtan said...

Hi Alice,

That would have been real scary in there with your hospital phobia. You handled it all remarkably well.

What was nice to read was how many people showed concern and wanted to visit you. As you said it is at times like these that we realise we are not alone.

It sounds like you are picking up a bit. Hopefully you'll get better treatment now for the postural hypotension. Just a shame that it takes an episode like this for the GPs to wake up.

All the best


alice said...

hi nechtan

i just hope now something can be down. last coupl of days not been feeling too good. i know anxiety plays a big part in this, it seems neverending.

i just wish that we all never had to suffer so much.