7 April 2009


im glad im not beautiful.

no really i am. this past few weeks ive been stuck sitting in the car, waiting, observing peoples behaviours. ive noticed the women who are percieved as conventionally beautiful, seemed to be self-concious. the blondes, with full make-up, and with the tingy orange face, nails that could do damage, clothes that are extremely expensive, their small kids running along side them, and the mum preoccupied with some such stuff. ( yesterday i saw a mum with her little toddler, she was walking around the park with an i-pod in!)

what ive noticed they seem so self-concious. a line in one of jack johnsons songs ' they seem so awkward with their things', comes to mind. they seem awkward with themselves.

being awkward with things. two or so years ago i was in brighton, along the marina, a man in a huge bentley with a wife as described above and two kids, was approaching his car, all he did was look around to see who was looking, not messing around with the kids, just taking a peek around. as they all climbed in, they all did the same. its was cringe worthy awkward.

i was never told that i was pretty as a kid. i was the clever one. the bright brainbox. although i never felt that way. i was a book worm. and ive travelled through life thinking i was deficient in some way. until observing others behaviours, seeing their self-concious faces, like they cant relax in case? in case what? they wake up one morning at fifty and see what they havent got anymore.

i now think im average, ordinary, i have other talents which give my mind pleasure. im slowly working through this. if only anxiety would be so easy to crack!


Sar said...

Alice... I LOVE this post!! I feel exactly the same. I grew up as a person that wasn't pretty, wasn't girly or dainty- I did sport and I was 'functional' not pretty.
I went through a stage, several years ago, leading up to the return of my ED where I had my nails done, used sunbeds, totally tried to be 'the beautiful people'. Cutting a long story real short, I'm glad now to be me, as I want to be- a little odd looking, sometimes dodgy clothing, maybe unfashionable occasionally, short nails, pale and NOT in any way stereotypically beautiful. I think I may even go a little out of my way to ensure I don't look that way any more.I genuinely feel sorry for the people who choose to partake in that 'lifestyle'- yes, I have body image issues but it's not for wanting any of that boring, mainstream what-society-sees-as-beautiful stuff, I have NO interest in ever going down that route.And for what it's worth, from reading your posts and the odd photo I've seen of you, beauty is a word I would associate with you, much more than I witness anywhere much else. Take care Xx

alice said...

hi sar

thanks. its funny how we percieve ourselves. im content with being ordinary, or more ok with myself looking like this. its not like i thought i should look like this, just veered towards it because it was conventionally normal.

its good to have input from others to so thanks. what makes me laugh is that these so called conventional beauties, if you asked them would they be told what to do, or bossed around they would say no. yet they are being controlled by the media! its that plain and simple. keep being yourself. your individual self.

Coffeecup said...

How did I miss this post? Sorry Alice. I agree with my whole heart what you say about the shallow materialistic types who have no value in life except how good they think they look. One day they will wake up disappointed and feel the need to pay for surgery to fix it.
The thing is, looking at the photos you've posted so far you have it all, (excluding the dreaded anxiety) you have brains and you are very pretty, delicately feminine!!!! I hope that doesn't sound patronizing? That's not the way it's meant. I think it is a lifestyle choice in reality, surrounded by so many media manipulated images of ideal beauty I'll bet there are proportionately few women who will say that like the way they look.

alice said...

hi steph,

thats makes it all the more sad that women dont like the way they look, and treat themselves like a lesser person. always wanting more, and never gettig want they want, not realising they have everything they need. its sweet of you to say about my looks, and i think i should take some of my own advice. be individual, a friend of mine whose a little overweight didnt like her arms, she admired mine in the summer, as i was saying mine was too skinny.
she wont wear v.tops. think about it she successfully runs a shop, shes overcome depression, she uses her arms to drive, hug, takes phone calls, cook, i know this may sound stupid. i think we should stop comparing.