17 April 2009


i watched gok wans show on t.v this week. he was dressing janet-street-porter ( who i saw once in the lwt building on the south bank), and she was quite resistant to his ideas. i felt like i am much the same. when i was seeing the ed clinician, we had to do certain tasks, almost give control over to someone else. say for instance someone asked me to wear a necklace of beads, well that would be ok if i choose them. i would always, always find fault in someones else choice for me. i dislike surprise presents unless i have choosen them ( misses the point really of them being a surprise), and if i had to wear the necklace then in my mind it would seem the necklace was a flashing beacon and everyone would notice them throughout the day. and i would be so self-concious.

so yesterday, i asked my mum to go to my material supplier and buy some material for me. all i said was to buy something in light blue. now this shop has an enormous amount of stock, the staff are friendly and helpful. i can see where i get some of my traits from. my mum said what type? what shade? i could see she was in a tizz, much how i get. i was silent and just said anything. this was really difficult for me. im making a bag for myself, out of an old pair of loved trousers from monsoon. i wanted so much to say, i want this or that. she came out of the shop and gave me the material, i couldnt even look at it. she said that val had helped her choose it, ( that wasnt the point, she was suppose to). anyway a while later i looked and hated it. such a strong reaction, i dont like working with material, that i dislike so much i would rather not make anything. however i didnt show this. i got home, place the material down, and tried to examine why i felt this way. because i couldnt have exactly what i wanted.

well hey, i live my life like this everyday. i dont live how i want to. anxiety interupts. i work by other peoples rules, and quietly i seem to have no choice, i go along with it. so dissatisfaction sets in, no wonder im so unhappy. imagine if life was like a nice piece of material, i would be happy, content, living by my rules.

i was tempted to line the bag, with a scarf my aunt bought me back from india in february, it would match perfectly, however this was not allowed. breaking the rules of change. so this morning i got the sewing machine out, and disgruntled, started to make the bag.

there is a meaning to all this. i need to start doing things i dont like doing. i have such a reaction to a piece of fabric, is it because someone else choose it? i didnt have control. like i said i live like this everyday.


Sar said...

I get so anxious when someone gives me something that I don't like, especially clothing or some bodily accessory, as I often wear things or use colours, styles to communicate in a strange way, about how I'm feeling and how I want to seen or not seen.And I feel somehow, insulted, when someone gives me something that I don't like, as though they should've known what I wanted or known I wouldn't like it- adversley,I both want total control and no control. I would love to have someone decide what I wear, how to do my hair, what to eat, when to eat, when to drink, everything that causes me overwhelming anxiety on a daily basis. Because then, it's no longer MY FAULT. If I look messy, if I get fat, if I drink too much- it's 'oh well, not my fault, they MADE me eat that, wear that, drink that, it wasn't my choice'.
Completely opposite to that, I hate the lack of control, the fact that I can't live my life as I would really like to or think i'd like to because I have to consider too many other people. I often get torn up because I think other people are controlling my life, yet so desperatley want someone to completely take over. So black and white- sigh!! I hope any of that makes sense :) Xx

alice said...

i understand completely, and i know others that are like this too. perhaps as a chld we felt like we had no control, others took it off of us. so we continue to think this is normal. and we wont get in trouble if its others fault.

im starting to see a little grey coming through!