i watched gok wans show on t.v this week. he was dressing janet-street-porter ( who i saw once in the lwt building on the south bank), and she was quite resistant to his ideas. i felt like i am much the same. when i was seeing the ed clinician, we had to do certain tasks, almost give control over to someone else. say for instance someone asked me to wear a necklace of beads, well that would be ok if i choose them. i would always, always find fault in someones else choice for me. i dislike surprise presents unless i have choosen them ( misses the point really of them being a surprise), and if i had to wear the necklace then in my mind it would seem the necklace was a flashing beacon and everyone would notice them throughout the day. and i would be so self-concious.
so yesterday, i asked my mum to go to my material supplier and buy some material for me. all i said was to buy something in light blue. now this shop has an enormous amount of stock, the staff are friendly and helpful. i can see where i get some of my traits from. my mum said what type? what shade? i could see she was in a tizz, much how i get. i was silent and just said anything. this was really difficult for me. im making a bag for myself, out of an old pair of loved trousers from monsoon. i wanted so much to say, i want this or that. she came out of the shop and gave me the material, i couldnt even look at it. she said that val had helped her choose it, ( that wasnt the point, she was suppose to). anyway a while later i looked and hated it. such a strong reaction, i dont like working with material, that i dislike so much i would rather not make anything. however i didnt show this. i got home, place the material down, and tried to examine why i felt this way. because i couldnt have exactly what i wanted.
well hey, i live my life like this everyday. i dont live how i want to. anxiety interupts. i work by other peoples rules, and quietly i seem to have no choice, i go along with it. so dissatisfaction sets in, no wonder im so unhappy. imagine if life was like a nice piece of material, i would be happy, content, living by my rules.
i was tempted to line the bag, with a scarf my aunt bought me back from india in february, it would match perfectly, however this was not allowed. breaking the rules of change. so this morning i got the sewing machine out, and disgruntled, started to make the bag.
there is a meaning to all this. i need to start doing things i dont like doing. i have such a reaction to a piece of fabric, is it because someone else choose it? i didnt have control. like i said i live like this everyday.