18 April 2009


severe anxiety, g.a.d, etc, is like obesity.

being of an average weight, or having average, normal, protective anxiety, a person can get on with life, living. every now and again a little indulgence will occur, eat to much of a tasty meal - get a blast of appropriate anxiety from a fright, then levels even out in seconds and its back to normal.

then you have the overweight -an anxious person. forever trying to lose a stone or two. always on a diet, but managing life in a dissatisfied way. a person whose suffered from everyday anxiety, they might take pills, have a constant unease, but is able to continue with life in an uneasy way. can work, always trying to improve, maybe drinks to get over nerves. never enough incentive to change, because anxiety is a dull background noise.

then you have the obese. 10st overweight. always indulging. hiding the true fact, although obvious for all to see. years of pleading not to be fat. hoping. trying to impliment change. small steps, diet clubs. wanting to go from 20 stone to 10 stone in one day. putting in place changeable steps only to get disheartened because whats the point of one step when you have a whole flight of stairs to climb. so they give up. think something is wrong with them, theyre not like other people, they have a REAL problem with change. -
severe anxiety, is much the same. no amount of being positive one, two, three days in a row will change anything. having a big old blast of panic, curls you up, to not wanting change. day after endless day of this encourages you not to even try.
so what is the answer?
why are we controlling ourselves?
we are feeding this anxiety. we are believing that we cant lose 20st of anxiety. we want 10st of anxiety tomorrow and it aint gonna happen. well not overnight, and thats the problem. we get so unhappy that we have to climb the hurdles, that we give up.

for years ive been told to distract myself. as soon as a blast comes do something. well when its that awful i cant. and it hasnt worked. although at all other times i have distracted myself and what a waste of years just treading water.
being an out-patient at the ed clinic, we decided to work on anxiety. for the first time id been told to sit with panic. what , i cant do that. and i didnt even try.
until now.

i have no choice. the past four months have been a nightmare for me. i havent had this much panic in over 20 years.

i once had a picture of jimi hendrix on the wall with a quote which went something like 'i keep running, theres nowhere to hide'.

well ive stopped running, i have no choice my body has decided to pack up. and i cant hide nowhere.
ive been unable to go into cafes, supermarkets, and had to cancel appointments. i cant walk anxiety off no more. i cant distract myself because im too tired.

im side by side with my enemy right now and its not pleasant. im speaking out, something that ive never been able to do before. is this good? possibly.
when i have some answers, if any i will share them.

after years of awkwardness, i want some plain sailing.


Robert said...

Speaking out about your anxiety issues IS good. One of the first steps to recovery is to be "upfront" about your problem.

Anonymous said...

I like that analogy Alice. Expecting to lose 10 stone overnight is exactly what we all try to do and spending every waking moment on the scales doesn't help. Somehow we have to not expect and as Claire Weekes says let time pass. I think when you are constantly looking for change, improvement, all you ever find is disappointment. If we could find a way to accept the situation for what it is- something we cannot change immediately- and then just work towards getting ourselves better without measuring it each step of the way then I think we would only benefit from it.


alice said...

hi robert

its so difficult at times, to speak, i suppose for so long ive just hid how i feel. talking small steps to say how i feel i know is the way to go. thanks.

hi nechtan

let time pass, isnt that difficult? i understand, and comparing it to weight loss, i can see how frustrating it is. i need patience! thanks.