2 August 2009

1990 - cue anxiety

this picture was taken in august 1990. i was just sixteen. notice big curly perm. permed in toni & guy just off of oxford street, enclosed in a room with one tiny window, i had a panic attack, i let the feelings come and then flee, didnt really effect me. benetton t.shirt, loved benetton back then, black leggings first time round. picture taken in what was yugoslavia. around june time i started to get jittery, nervy, on edge, had a few panic attacks that went over my head. then the beginning of august, what was to be my last holiday with the parents, i couldnt leave my room.
i was dosed up on maalox, to ease the acid in my stomach, my mum bless her went to the newsagents and bought the whole box of polos (30) because i thought they calmed me down, well they made me feel better. i was adamant i wasnt going. then the cat broke his back leg, i thought 'yes' no holiday. until my brother offered to come round and feed him everyday, and take care of him. i even hid my passport so i couldnt go. they threatened to drag me out the house, shove me in the car and go. my stomach was churning, in my head i thought there would be no way i would go. i did.
i can remember sitting in the dock. waiting to get on the boat. starving hungry. eating a packet of cheese and onion crisps. probably not the best thing to eat with a dicky tummy. when we boarded, there was an eerie feeling, the water was calm as a mill pond. flat. the boat glided through, without effort. normally you would here the chink of bottles, this journey was quiet. peaceful.
the rest of the month was ok. i was ok. had a few tummy upsets. drank down the anti-acid. dreaded returning, as i knew i was off to do a'levels. missed going into venice as i was to scared. coming back the nightmare began. this was about the third time i suffered with anxiety up until that point. and its not really gone. just differed in its intensity. quiet sometimes, loud at others.

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