my dream, when i get better i want to walk. as far as possible.
when i was well i did part of the vanguard way. its a footpath from east croydon station to newhaven (i think it was newhaven, it was the south coast though). i loved walking through the woods, seeing different seasons, smelling different plants, woods. the pacing of my feet, the feeling i got, my red faced glee at arriving at the next sign with a little arrow, knowing i was on the right track. i never managed to do the whole trek, it would of taken four or five days. still was anxious back then, so i coped with an hour or two at a time.
thats what i miss the most. my body has given up on me. strangly i want to fight my body, more than my mind. i almost gave into my minds thoughts, yet when my body faltered i got more angry, it shouldnt give up on me. how dare it.
at the moment im dealing with it by blocking it out. thats the only way forward for me. not healthy. if the docs say this is it, i must not believe them, i cant believe them. we shall see a in a few more appointments time.
i have the brain scan on saturday (strange day to have an appointment), two scans in one day. im kind of hoping they are only going to put my head into the scanner, the thought of my body being trapped, in that claustrophobic hole gives be the jitters. fingers crossed again.