i often think someone is playing a joke with me. i mean i have a condition where i cant stand up! isnt that funny, and for a while i couldnt sit up, pretty much most of the time i still cant.
then i go down that track, what have i done? come on think back. mum would always say if i did anything ungrateful, then stubbed my toe, 'jesus done that'. she isnt religious. so i stop myself from fully entering that road.
i have two appointments left this year. one next week at an m.e clinic. and then one to see the original consultant. im not expecting much. i take my pills each day just to stand still ( well i dont stand, stay still).
then theres the medical bill, the rents paid it and i have to pay them back.
then theres the bigger question, what is going to happen to me? do i stay permanently reclined? will i be using the temporary wheelie chair for good? will i be able to drive again? will i be able to work again? will the anxiety subside when the p.o.t.s is eased/ceased? will the p.o.t.s ease/cease?
then i dream of a different life. parking up in crystal palace there is a band of wagons, jalopies. four in all, freegans ( i know this cause they were on some tele show a while back). so they bin raid, free clothes, free food, peace and love and all that. wouldnt that seem attractive to you? then i think of the reality, food in bins, come on, i wouldnt eat something past its sell by date. jumble clothes, i did that when i was a student. cold campers, freezing feet, sleeping bags, not so attractive in reality if its not your thing. so what is my thing...........
what is my thing? i dont know. i know some sort of action needs to be taken.
im so confused.