9 January 2010

30-40

negatives.

30; i have a poopy old blog. i dont know my java script from my html. give me a seam riper, or a pair of double ended needles and i know what your talking about. i wish i could adorn the pages with clever pieces of loveliness, wonderful script, but i cant (please dont say there is no such word as cant, because there is! so there).

31; fed uppy, im fed up of reading others blogs. others lives, they live in beautiful cream walled houses with antique furniture, nice kitchens, pretty little osh kosh kids, cutsie dogs. have gorgeous holiday snaps of sandy beaches, warm seascapes.

32; seeing people wander in the snow. crisp white snow, crunchy beneath their little wellingtons, laughing, throwing snowballs, wrapped up, warm on walks out. and theres me trying to be pushed in a wheelchair, when that fails im pulled backwards, yes backwards because the poxy slegdge on wheels wont go forward!

33; bloody memory is terrible, i cant even remember if i have already gone from 30-40, so if someone would be as kind to inform me i will entitle this 40-50. i walk into a room and forget why im there, and when you have limited energy and standing time then you get angry with yourself.

34; i look forward each day to a warm bath. lots of bubbles. yet warm isnt good enough for me, oh no, lets have it hot,hot,hot. then thats starts the tachycardia off, boom boom boom goes my chest, stand up woozy goes my head, blackness descends. at least my bones feel good, even if my heart doesnt.

35; nhs. no more needs to be said.

36; doctors, dont trust a doctor that smiles. big mistake. my neuro, was po-faced, with a far away gaze ( i know that gaze, the barristers would wear the same look when they were so busy with interesting cases), yet he helped me no-end, especially confirming i had p.o.t.s. now the smiley little bugger of a consultant, well he was sarcasm personified.

37; i have a whole bunch of goods to put on e-bay i think i procrastinate because im worried that i will do something wrong, make a mistake, so the easy way forward is too leave the goods all in my draw. any tips on selling would be welcome.

38; twiglets, im addicted.

39; if youve got this far you must like me. i want to be liked!!!

40; end of miserable post, i promise when the snow has lifted i will be in a better mood


ta ta.

p.s, ive added the picture to the header which looks dumb to me, how do you make the area smaller with picture. i know it can be done as ive seen it on other blogs. thick old me cant do it. any answers would be welcome.

9 comments:

Nechtan said...

Hi Alice,

No need to know HTML or the like. I think your blog looks good enough as it is and I love the photo you have put up as a header.

I can relate to most of your points there. We all have times we are down and in some way we all want to be liked. In your case you have a lot to deal with over the last year outwith pure anxiety. I hope if this year brings you one thing it is a better quality of life because you put yourself through those times.

All the best

Nechtan

PS. I'm off for a steaming hot bath now, you can't beat them.

alice said...

hi nechtan

im pretty sure its this damn snow. freezing cold, below zero, unstable. i know i shouldnt think about my health because i realise my present limits. im good at blocking things out, so a good dose of denial is needed right now.

hope you enjoyed the hot bath. just had mine, sure enough i came over dizzy because dumb me had the water too hot. never mind.
xxx

Coffeecup said...

Hi Emma, perfectly understandable to feel poop in these atrocious conditions. It must be hard to be pushed around. Still there are some people too scared to walk to their own garden gates. Life is strange sometimes.

I thought your blog was just fine and fabulous as it was. It's what you say that matters not how fancy it is. I stripped mine down to the basics on purpose. I do like your picture though. It tells a whole story in itself.

Don't worry what other people are upto and what appearances are. It's usually just a pretentious front anyway. I disappeared from facebook because I was so demoralised by other people's lives. I changed my mind and went back.

Wish I had a bath! (I do have a shower, not that dirty). Miss those long hot soaks.

Don't ever doubt that your anything but loved here. I really enjoy your writing. Your sincere, open, kind and honest, amusing and such a lovely person.

Warmest wishes from your friend Steph xxx

Robert said...

Hi Alice - is it ok to stick with your alias? - I got to #39 and yes, I do like you. I like you lots & I like your blog. My only problem is that I often don't have enough free time to keep up to date. But I do my best.

Regarding #31 - having beautiful cream walled houses, osh kosh kids and fancy holidays etc. is no guarantee of a happy life. I was chatting to some of my older staff the other day. We were remarking how, despite being materially better off than in the days of our youth, we weren't any happier. Spending time communing with nature and having the love of your family & friends is all it takes for a contented life.

Anyhow, I hope that 2010 will bring an improvement in your quality of life.

Achelois said...

Oooh Alice,
Do you know what - you would be surpised how much of your list rang a few bells with me. I

I haven't officially been diagnosed with POTS but have with EDS (in the main to do with consultant overload when I was being diagnosed with the EDS and refusing to see another one for some considerable time)and so really really 'got' the whole hot bath for bones and muscles followed by the raging out of control palpitations scenario. I think I wrote about baths and me a while back and I get raging hyperthermia getting out of a hot bath into a hot house - the minor change in temperature sends me. The joys of a dody autonomic body. Ever patient spouse caught me today in a supermarket as I heard my own voice from far away it seemed saying I have dancing lights in front of my eyes and I am going to pass out..... Being a very resourceful sort of chap he pulled a case of stella off the shelf shoved me down on it and stuffed my head between my knees. I learnt on a pain management course not to give a stuff about what other people think about bizarre things I do so was just relieved not to pass out cold. You have every right to be pissed off

I love your honesty, it is refreshing in a world of blogs which sometimes seem to me a little to shiny and perfect. Too good to be true,methinks? I would post some pictures of my extremely un perfect and very messy house but I am too embarrassed.

I wonder if eventually most of your anxiety will eventually be put down to always having had POTS its a kind of chicken and egg thing I think. Also a long time ago I read (I think) that they had isolated the anxiety gene as going along with the EDS stuff.

You are not the only one, I know those used to artic conditions probably laugh at us here. But its just not funny being disabled and coping with the snow. Even when one normally avoids going out the thought of not being able to is enough to ask for a repeat prescription of diazepam.

I don't understand HTML one bit at all. you are not alone so just don't worry about it. Do you know I asked another blogger in Australia how they get their blog to look so derned good - it turns out they pay for their 'domain' if thats what it is called a few hundred dollars a year, so all the bells and whistles are available because of that. Your blog is absolutely fine - I like it like it is.

Emma we like you just the way you are.

This stupid weather will be over soon. I just wish I could pop round for a natter to help alleviate the boredom. I would obviously have to get over my social phobia big time to do that!!!

Hang on in there.

Oh yes self conscious as ever - please accept apologies for rambly long comment. The weather is getting to me too and I also have the excuse of being somewhat medicated due to what I would describe as an unnecessary dislocated clavicle and associated muscle spasms. Thats my excuse anyhow and I stand by it.

Take my bloggy friend and Emma your blog is good.

Achelois said...

oops meant to say take care not take my bloggy friend! So I'm off with a red face again......

Sarah♥ said...

I love, love, love your blog!

BTW - My house is a shitty mid-terrace with NO antique furniture in sight, can't afford it :( I would LOVE it though...and a view of...more houses. Out of my back windows a row of bushes then a dual carriage way by-passy thing. Niiiice.

Number 34 is my favourite. You can bet money that i have to come out of the bath EVERY NIGHT and lie on the floor with my legs elevated because i feel faint. My BF can't even get in the bath when i've run it. Boiled Sarah comes to mind...lol

xxxx

alice said...

hi steph,

thanks for your kind words. i suppose sitting in beds for months, reading the shiny blogs, makes for big doses of self-pity on my behalf. it takes a boot up the bum from someone to realise that all lives are made up of good and bad, triumph and disasters. a balance. thats why i like reading our little groups of blogs, because it tells of the struggles, the pleasures in small things. then i go and overdose on the shiny ones and im back to square one!!! thanks for being you. xxxx

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hi robert

i cant agree with you more, family, friends. and nature has always played a part in my life, right from a young age, i felt like i was at one ( i know hippy phrase) with the sea. i was certainly a water baby, because you couldnt get me out. i even have a super 8 film of me aged 4 years old stripping off ( thats how i showed people i was annoyed, dont ask why!) because i was told i had to leave the swimming pool in spain. and when i used to walk miles the woods would feel such a normal state to be in.

i hope you and marie have a good year ahead of you too.xxxx


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hi achelois

ouch i hope your clavicle heals soon, and the muscle spasms. you just kind of get used to the day to day being in pain, until something even more painful comes along.

i love reading your posts so please dont ever apologise for the length, the longer the better.

i understand the supermarket faint, or near faint. glad your other half was ready and waiting with the stella!!! hope i get to the point where i dont care when im out, i do think im getting there though. i think when you go through something so life transforming, then to some degree it does alter your perceptions of what does and doesnt matter in life. however reading the shiny blogs ( i didnt know you could pay someone to put 'pretty bits' on your blog) i sometimes swoop downwards.

i really hope you feel better soon.xxx


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hi sarah

i so like your tell it how it is honesty. no crap. ive been enjoying your blog of late. something is going right for you. you deserve this time in your life.

you boil yourself too? ive always done this, and i always know whats going to happen afterwards. surely by now i should of learned my lesson. hot baths= blackouts!!!
xxx

mitch said...

Twiglets!