(sorry diver i nicked that off a post you did a while back, via simpsons.)
nechtans post got me thinking today. this is a bit long winded so stick with it or read in small portions or not at all.
this morning i had a jab at the drs, nothing unusual in that pretty calm. afterwards mum wanted to pick a few things up in croydon. we drove in around noon, the office workers were starting to pile into the centre. i could sense the crowds of people, although not so anxious, i was feeling hemmed in, like i couldnt concentrate, i didnt feel vulnerable and i wouldnt of ran away (i couldnt being in the chair but you get what i mean). there was certainly an uncomfortable feeling going on, i felt a bit ratty, like my ideal place wouldnt be here. after going into next, h&m, i noticed how much stuff was on show, stacks and stacks of clothes. sales were on to, more unsold items. do we really need all this stuff? shop after shop wanting to tempt to the shopper. we ended up in m&s, after a cuppa in an air conditioned cafe, we came home.
i compared todays outing which was kind of necessary, in every day life we need things, to yesterday plesant morning out to dulwich park. gorgeous plants, shrubs, lakes, field upon field of grass. sunshine browned my arms, i appreciated the wildlife, literally smelt the roses. rose came too, i laughed as she jumped around at the new park she had entered. i felt light, life seemed uncomplicated for a few hours. because the park was so big, no one person came too close.
im pretty sure all this goes back to our roots. are we meant to live like caged animals? is shopping the new hunting? whereas in a shopping centre i felt on the edge of anxiety, at the park i never once felt a twinge.
i think how we live our lives, or how some of us are expected to live our lives certainly affect us. our mind plays tricks. i mean we have this amazing power, us anxiety sufferers. in the midst of psychological panic, when all the fight or flight feelings take hold, if we choose to run home then suddenly they disappear. bam, gone. like a wand has granted us a wish. we control this, we know that. imagine if you could bottle this powerful tool. we would solve our own problem. and in the process be very rich.
anxiety, in its original state was meant to protect us. now i think it has more to do with social embarrassent, what if this happens infront of people, what will they think. dont stand out whatever you do. what if others find out my weakness. the fear of being laughed at, i mean being laughed at isnt going to kill you.
i think part of my problem was abandonment as a child. i wasnt abandoned. yet the threat was there. my dad would always say the line, 'im putting you into a childrens home'. i was five at the time, i truly believed him, i remember sitting in the back of the car in calais dock late at night after mum and dad had had an argument in the caravan, the last day of our holiday spoiled. out came the line, however this time had, 'but this time i really mean it'. there was me, aged five, pretty scared. most of all i had bought my nan and grandad a vase and thought that they would think i didnt love them because i wouldnt be able to give the vase too them before i was sent away. my mum would never threaten us kids with that line, so why oh why did i believe my dad? we wasnt sent away, years later i found out my dad was also told this when he was small. learnt behaviour, passed on.
im pretty sure this had an affect on me. im sure deeped rooted anxiety belongs from past events. yet no matter what i uncover i still feel the same. it doesnt change anything.
on a postive note, since being in the w-chair whilst out ive not been so on edge, im pretty sure the rapid heart rate on standing has been with me many years, more than i like to think. so if my heart was beating faster then flight or fight would kick in wouldnt it? im dealing with the heat much better too, im sure the combination of meds that im on has helped with that. i think i need to work on the attitude of 'i couldnt care less about what people think' more.
anx-diddly-iety, you gotta laugh.