23 January 2011

not so productive sunday, although productive, scared too.

i havent felt like this in quite a few years. started the psychodynamic therapy i know that i will have to place myself in uncomfortable situations. im pretty functional if im with family, out places, usually. the old panic and anxiety has been on the back burner because i just havent placed myself in nervy situations. due to the ehlers danlos and p.o.t.s building up over the past few years and exploding onto the scene all the anxiety work was filed away for a later date.

well now is the later date. so i decided i should take a ride on the tram. my mum and niece went to morden hall for lunch, i wasnt hungry so never ate. afterwards i suggested a tram ride to wimbledon, two stops i thought, it was four. was so nervy to begin with. yet standing at the stop (we are wingnut magnets by the way), a man approached the help tannoy, he said to the muted voice he was going to croydon and some such thing he couldnt work the machine. then started to speak to us and hopped on the tram going to wimbledon speaking all the time, we all felt very uncomfortable. i think you know by your gut feeling when something isnt right, this was one of those times, he kept disagreeing about why rosy (she accompanied us, on my lap) was shaking, we said nerves (seriously when she is nervous she shakes) he kept saying she was cold. anyway he got of thank goodness.

we arrived at wimbledon my head was floaty, not with it, the crowds seemed overwhelming, i couldnt of stopped for a tea, i was too distracted, yet if the car was nearby i would of been fine. we turned round and went back to morden hall. although i wasnt outright anxious, i certainly was content with the situation. i know the feelings to well. i know that i need to keep feeling this way to progress in the future. oh the joys of anxiety. what i have to look forward to this next year.


Coffeecup said...

Em, I wouldn't say you've not put yourself in anxiety provoking situations! You've had to endure getting into London to have all these tests in hospital (too many times!) and you've faced up to speaking to specialists not knowing what news they might have. Then you've been to Brighton, and shopping, and museums, and out in the car...

you're facing up to anxiety already and winning through! You are AMAZING! xxx

Em said...

hi steph

aw thanks, but some situations are easier then others. i know the anxiety provoking ones. and i know now it feels like im going back to the beginning with feeling the feelings of anxiety. how for instance can i have not had an anxiety attack when going for the sigmoidoscopy (i was frightened), but have a mini one when i saw the reflexologist, makes no sense to me at all.

i know also that ive got to put myself into these places of anxiety, and to start all over again feels agonising at times.x