understanding

i don't understand life sometimes. i find expressing myself really difficult, and i think that it comes across in writing that way too. i think because ive kept everything in for so many years, getting it out seems wrong.

i edit what i say, run most things through my mind.

wednesday was an awful day for me. ive suffered panic attacks since the age of nine. i know the process. i know what to expect. i was in wimbledon on wednesday afternoon. had walked into the cafe, wrong move as i was out of breath walking seconds. should of sat down earlier. anyway, had a tea, crowded room, hot, in the way. and bam, i needed to get out, i sat in the car and i couldnt breathe. i didnt breathe rapidly just didnt breathe at all. i didnt want to go to the hospital, the worse place for me. however i ended up there in the car park. it eased a little. i got home, went to bed, couldnt cry as i know that would of blocked my nose and made breathing even harder. i was extremely tired.

it didnt seem like a panic attack. i never experienced this before.

a week or so ago the cfs nurse phoned and said she would put forward to the doctor that i attend the m.e/cfs course. so does that mean i have m.e?
on a previous appointment she said due to the diagnoses of an eating disorder, they couldnt diagnose m.e within the next two years. i got the clinician who treated me for the anorexia, to speak to her. and there you have it.

im so very confused.