14 March 2009


i always, well most of the time edit my thoughts. ive been doing this since childhood. i sometimes put my foot in it, like people do. but because im sensitive i go over conversations in my head, wishing i hadnt said things. the other alternative, which i used to do as a child is to keep quiet and aquire the label, shy. i dont feel that way in my mind.
another thing when im in a group of people say five or more, even if they are family i tend to keep silent. perhaps if they arent the dominant type, then i feel free to speak and put my opinion across. i dont want to be like this, i dont want to watch what i say. or say nothing.
even posting on other sites, i have that creeping feeling. i go to type, and recoil. stop. what you say isnt interesting. no one will listen. this isnt self-pity its unfortunate fact. maybe being the youngest, sitting round the dining table i wouldnt get heard. so i wouldnt say much. a few friends that were bullies along the way, would say 'why did you say that'. self-confidence, what self-confidence.
yet when i meet the right people i click. i know that it doesnt matter what i say, its easy. i dont have that grin which oozes low self-esteem, and a nervous laugh. its just natural. the only remedy for me is not to think, just do. i need to practise this more. has anyone any more tips?.

2 comments:

Nechtan said...

I can relate to that. I've always been the sames. One of the things I have noticed in myself is the longer I keep playing something over in my head when I do let it out it does not have the effect I was expecting. Usually its if I think I am about to say something funny and noone laughs. Definitely its better to just let it out and if you find yourself mulling then don't say it- my experience anyway.

I don't know if it is shyness. Over the years I've just found I'm more comfortable being the observer than the participant. Maybe its something to do with not liking being the centre of attention. I was reminding a friend of something once and he said to me he could not believe the memory I had for things that had happened as he never remembered anything but when you are the observer you see and remember more than most.

All the best

Nechtan

alice said...

hi nechtan

i too have a good long term memory. a word,a smell, can take me to a place twenty years ago. so perhaps i observe too, i know i do! due to the m.e my short term memory is awful.

i do hold back, but i think i hold back far to much. i was described shy as a child, yet in my head i didnt feel that way. then over the years i believed that, then acted shy. i wish i could believe in myself more.