17 March 2010

its been a long time..... anxiety alert.

felt a bit of panic today. something that i havent experienced in quite a while, to this degree anyway. however adding up afterwards the aggravated circumstances i can see why i entertained my friend today.

i woke at 7.30am to get out the house by 10.00am as rosie had to have her op today. i need a few hours to make my head usable. 9.00am came round my eyes were having trouble staying open, little rosie was at the end of my bed, slowly i rose told her she would be ok (more for my benefit really), she gently ruffled her face hair with her paws, how i love it when she does that. this must of taken some time, or i may have warbled on more to her, because half an hour had passed, i slurped some tea, intended to eat one wholemeal biscuit, couldnt as i dont do things quickly in the morning. teeth brushed, clothes on ( why is it you always find things to do when you have no time to do these things in?) nails clean, must chop nails off later. bag, cardigan, dog fleece, dog wrapped in dog fleece and carried to the car. phew, with a few minutes to spare and a couple of kisses on her head she was in the vets.

whilst rosie was in another land, mum decided she wanted to go to croydon to pick a few bits up. i was feeling none to good, no doubt having no breakfast, a couple of slurps of tea, and meds just taken, along with a hazy warm morning (not complaining about the weather but my p.o.ts likes too) and little rosie in my thoughts, i felt tight chested and urgh. as we approached the car park the thought of being encased in a concreted dome of shops wasnt too appealing, so my chest decided to tighten some more. i held out till around a minute before entering the car park, and decided i couldnt go.

i hate being defeated. anyhow my dad says 'theres always a way round things'. so off to the petrolled fumed purley way. an out of town shopping park. this is how crazy anxiety is. i didnt want to feel trapped in concrete. but i can be surrounded by concrete in the open air!! work that out. we parked, i took my pulse which was 44bpm, had a dose of caffeine, then was pushed into next. bought a pair of sun glasses as my old pair which have lasted four years is being held together with some superglue. mum got her sheets, then over to sainsburys to shop. i sat in the car, knitting. why do i feel self-conscious knitting, i feel like old people should knit. it passed the time.

got a phone call later on in the afternoon from the vet. rosie has had her teeth cleaned, been neutered, and had three fairly large stones removed however the vet wants to keep her in over night due to her wound weeping. she has drunk some water, and stood up. so in the morning we are picking her up around 11am. fingers crossed she will be ok. xxxxx


agoraphob said...

I hate when anxiety rears it's ugly head after being away for so long....

hey, I knit as well!! It is really relaxing. The repetativeness really helps!

hope rosie has a fast recovery!

Rusty Hoe said...

Oh Em. I want to give you a big hug. We all get anxiety at times regardless of whether it has been a problem in the past. Give yourself a break. I know it's easy to say, but we are hardest on ourselves. I think we have such reduced reserves anyway that it doesn't take much to out us over the edge. Somedays simple things get the best of us. I have bad claustrophobia so small spaces, which for me includes large 3 lane tunnels which go under the Yarra River here in Melbourne, make me feel so ill, so I hear you on the concrete thing I'd rather drive the long way. Hope Rosie is home for cuddles super soon.

diver said...

That preliminary news about Rosie sounds excellent Em, sounds like she'll be OK.

I think Michelle's right about giving yourself a break ... crikey, Rosie's under the knife; you've got an important appointment around the corner ... things are just unresolved and a bit 'out of control' at the moment. It'll settle down in due course.

' ... why do i feel self-conscious knitting, i feel like old people should knit.'

That's just because you dare to be yourself Em :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Em,

I can only say what the others have already said and take care of yourself. The situation with Rosie would give any pet lover a very high degree of anxiety. People like us don't even need that much to set us off and on top of that you have the apprehension of your visit with the prof.

As diver said it does sound like all went well with Rosie so I hope seeing her tomorrow is calming in itself. And I understand what you mean about being encased. I have trouble going to my sons creche yet no problem walking around the building it is in. I don't like burrowing either. Don't feel defeated though. There are days when you will do it, its just one of those times out of your control when you cannot.

All the best and I hope things pick up for you, take care.


Em said...

hi shelley

thats what im finding with knitting, the only thing is it hurts my neck a little so i cant do as much as i want. its great though because i can just pick it up when i want. thanks.xxx


hi michelle

i thought it was just me with closed spaces. i dont think i was like this years ago, but now, pow seems out of the blue. and my memory is so poor at present too which is a little embarrassing when i had to fill a form out recently i filled in the day and month i was born ok but the year, well i put down 2010! thanks.xx


hi diver

dare to be myself, i like that. i shouldnt give a flying you know what. at least i could see i have a lot on my plate at the moment something which i may not of in the past. the weathers turning here too which doesnt help, although im not complaining a bit of warm (not hot) will do me good. xxxx


hi nechtan

how the mind works eh! being outside seems so normal and comfortable, yet feeling trapped just makes me worse. i know its a state of mind, hopefully i will be able to overcome these symptoms. xxx