18 October 2010
where have i been?
the usual. what does my brain feel like right now? an ordered mess. i have ideas i want to explore, yet my body lets me down at every turn. well thats a bit dramatic of me, the eds is allowing me a few hours each day to spare.
ive attended a few more appts. last saturday i was a meaningful citizen. due to eds being rare, very rare indeedy, 8.30am i was sitting waiting for a doctor to examine me so he/she could either fail/pass the test to continue their life as a consultant. yep it was the examination weekend at the local hospital and foolishly (i only thought foolishly on saturday at 6.30am) i agreed way back in july to do this. an hour into the exam myself and four others were still sitting in the waiting room to be called. luckily two of the staff from the hospital which i know well now where there pretending to be patients that had yucky diseases, we had a chuckle of a time laughing. the co-ordinator nervously approached me apologizing that they couldnt use me! apparently im just toooooo rare. i was given a brown thank you envelope and was sent on my way.
last weekend i was able to go to my aunts. she lives in a sleepy village near stratford-upon-avon. i had a couple of breathing turns, which settled after ten or so minutes. i even paced myself, which helped with the returning week, although still tired, i was ok. the break was almost like a mini holiday, the village so pretty, oh i wish i could live somewhere as pretty as there.
strange things are happening. on rare occasions, im suffering less from blasts of anxiety. so im stretching myself a little more. i think what ive learnt from this illness is the worse that can happen. the breathing gets me the most, to be unable to breathe is an horrendous feeling, something that ive not really experienced before.
not being able to get the doctors to believe that there was something wrong with me for the past two or so years was quite frankly devastating. being sent to hospital four times before admission in a terrible state only to be sent home again, well nothing quite touches those experiences. so when remarks are made, tuts are witnessed, car parking spaces are hijacked, a turn of the head when some one passes me in the wheelchair, well what are all those things compared to last years traumas?
ive a long way to go with myself, my life, ive a lot to work on, to pick up where i left off. with meds, with drs, with a life changing diagnoses, things may work against me, or for me. we will never all be liked all of the time. we will never like all of the time. theres a way round everything ( as my dad likes to inform me) now i finally have the knowledge with what is wrong with me, im just finding my way around things.