i spoke to my hairdresser in the week (listen to me, ive only had one haircut from her!) to arrange a new appointment. i mentioned that i was going to be in psychodynamic therapy for a year now, (shes the type of person that i can talk to, a great listener) she amazed me by saying that she is training to be a counsellor. she also explained what exactly psychodynamic therapy is. from the age of 0-8years old habits are ingrained into us, and we carry them throughout our lives. so without questioning our lives we continue to behave in a way that stems from our earliest years. although the therapist explained this, i only had 50 minutes to understand what was going on, im sure in future sessions she will explain more, yet it was so helpful to get another insight from someone else. in my hairdressers opinion its a good therapy to be in.
at present i seem to be lacking motivation. the back of my bedroom door is a shrine to lists! i have to write things down nowadays otherwise my forgetful brain will shrivel up. i have two calendars for this purpose.
im slowly progressing through the 25 items list. im firmly at number 10. i have to say most of the items are phone calls which i find difficult. in classic cbt style the intention of 'the more you do the easier it gets' is ringing true, which surprised me. ive done some on edge phone calls which ive wanted to do because of the outcome at the end, £20.00 to spend on something frivolous, still undecided what it shall be yet, probably an item of clothing. so focusing on the end result im hoping to trick my mind along the way, and eventually using the phone will be second nature. ive come to the conclusion, my fear is of DISAPPROVAL.
im frightened that i will be disapproved of. whether that will be a telling off for doing something wrong, judged, silly really, so when im thinking of the end result, im bypassing someones opinion, almost like a little kid with a gold star chart. they have to do the chores, then a reward will be theirs. oh to be five again!
this is such a small stepping stone, although if i manage it then this task will be part of the foundations. years ago i would of dismissed this task, seeing it as not worthy of doing. yet it IS something that i can do. interacting with people IS important in this journey of recovery. ive tried doing the WHOLE thing before and nope it doesnt work. rushing through, trying everything at once is setting myself up for a fall. i have to concentrate on small things, then build them up slowly.