19 January 2011

gold stars

i spoke to my hairdresser in the week (listen to me, ive only had one haircut from her!) to arrange a new appointment. i mentioned that i was going to be in psychodynamic therapy for a year now, (shes the type of person that i can talk to, a great listener) she amazed me by saying that she is training to be a counsellor. she also explained what exactly psychodynamic therapy is. from the age of 0-8years old habits are ingrained into us, and we carry them throughout our lives. so without questioning our lives we continue to behave in a way that stems from our earliest years. although the therapist explained this, i only had 50 minutes to understand what was going on, im sure in future sessions she will explain more, yet it was so helpful to get another insight from someone else. in my hairdressers opinion its a good therapy to be in.

at present i seem to be lacking motivation. the back of my bedroom door is a shrine to lists! i have to write things down nowadays otherwise my forgetful brain will shrivel up. i have two calendars for this purpose.

im slowly progressing through the 25 items list. im firmly at number 10. i have to say most of the items are phone calls which i find difficult. in classic cbt style the intention of 'the more you do the easier it gets' is ringing true, which surprised me. ive done some on edge phone calls which ive wanted to do because of the outcome at the end, £20.00 to spend on something frivolous, still undecided what it shall be yet, probably an item of clothing. so focusing on the end result im hoping to trick my mind along the way, and eventually using the phone will be second nature. ive come to the conclusion, my fear is of DISAPPROVAL.

im frightened that i will be disapproved of. whether that will be a telling off for doing something wrong, judged, silly really, so when im thinking of the end result, im bypassing someones opinion, almost like a little kid with a gold star chart. they have to do the chores, then a reward will be theirs. oh to be five again!

this is such a small stepping stone, although if i manage it then this task will be part of the foundations. years ago i would of dismissed this task, seeing it as not worthy of doing. yet it IS something that i can do. interacting with people IS important in this journey of recovery. ive tried doing the WHOLE thing before and nope it doesnt work. rushing through, trying everything at once is setting myself up for a fall. i have to concentrate on small things, then build them up slowly.


The Foggy Knitter said...

Wow what an awesome hairdresser! Hope the therapy helps - I had some last year and found it really good. And well done for tackling your list of stuff to do, fabulous!

Where's this hairdresser based? I'm looking for one you see... might PM you on rav about it x

Em said...

hi foggy

glad you found the therapy good, very encouraging to know.

the hairdresser is local so im sure she would do your hair.x

Achelois said...

I haven't been on line for a couple of days so somewhat behind in my reader.

I imagine hairdressers could well teach a few therapists a thing or two. Perhaps it should be compulsory to spend a week in a hairdressers just listening to the interactions between client and therapist oops sorry I should have said hairdresser by way of training. It sounds as though your hairdresser will be well placed for her future career. Although somewhat dismayed for you that you will lose the hairdresser now you have found one. I think I hate going to the hairdresser more than the dentist. With EDS dentist's visits can be most unpleasant so for me if I could find a hairdresser I can trust is no mean feat! Suffice to say over the years I have had some disastorous haircuts.

I lack ambition. At 46 I cannot respond when asked and what do you do? Perhaps in part this is why my very much hidden social phobia is increasing.

In some ways you and I are alike Em I feel. With regard to disapproval especially. Probably for different reasons but I was raised by a headteacher and a civil servant in the MOD. Not sure what pater did as if I ever asked was told it was all secret. Sent to a convent (although I am not Catholic) & at the risk of mentioning religion on the wibbly wobbly web I think I spent a lot of my youth jealous & feeling guilty for my sins that I could not repent. No confession for me as a Protestant!

Disapproval began for me as I entered adolescence, developing my own ideas, personality etc. My father would say black is white if I say so and even now in my middle age I still have the constant nagging feeling that I have disappointed. Its all much more complicated than that. But I certainly understand the concept on many levels of disapproval.

Foggy must live near you hence the hairdresser link. humph I am a tinsy green eyed wishing someone on my blog reader lived nearer. With my luck it would take me years to pluck up the courage to communicate in any other way than the blogosphere.

Good luck with the therapy Em, I hope its ethos fits for you. Therapy can be a soul searching painful process although for many eventually rewarding. I sincerely hope this is the case for you. The older I get the more I don't want to re-visit old stuff wanting to move forwards. That is not saying I couldn't do with changing some very entrenched thought processes and toxic behaviours.

I wonder sometimes about counselling for the whole EDS thing but am a little fearful that it would distract the medical professionals from the EDS as a whole. No doubt something a therapist would want to work on!

Please do write how things are going with the therapy, you never know it might persuade me to trust enough to go again myself.