12 January 2011

really tired

slumpness. one minute i have a little energy, the next im diving down into the pit. i shouldnt complain, im able to do a little sewing, im able with help to go out, i can read, all these things in short time spans. i crave long time spans.

much of a muchness.

im fed up.

i had my appt with the pyschodynamic therapist. shes ok, really i dont need to pull apart her character as long as she imparts useful information. or should i get along with her? why do i always feel like a child when i meet someone. in my black and white brain i say, 'shes nice', 'shes not so nice'. why is it that clear cut. so what if her character isnt rub-a-longable? in fact she does seem nice, but what has that got to do with anything.

im seeing her for a year, once a week. we talked over my current health problems, how it affects my daily living. i want more, i know that im dragging this genetic disease along with me everywhere i go, but i still want more from life. im willing to listen, shes told me i can speak if i want, or not if i dont. i have to try harder to listen. pause, ponder, reply. not nervously jabber away because i want to fill the silence. i need to change.


Rusty Hoe said...

You're just at the start of this Em. Give yourself time to get to know her and to work out what you want to get out of the experience. The reality is that any therapist is not necessarily going to provide you with specific answers but more help you to clarify things and find the answers or direction you need. Think of her as someone who can help you organise your thoughts and emotions, give you tools I guess, so you can deal with the things life throws your way when you are not with her. Most of the work happens outside the sessions and the fact that you realise you need to actively participate in the sessions is a huge step. PS don't worry if you natter on when you're nervous, she's there to help you and wont judge you for it. I am psych biased being one by trade, but I can tell you from the other side of the desk there is nothing you could say or do that will shock her and she is only there to help you. Big hugs Michelle. :)

PS glad the procedure went as well as could be hoped. I was so impressed by your bravery I hope you gave yourself a huge high five. I hope it made you realise the huge amount of courage you possess. Oh and I just remembered you asked how far I can travel. About an hour upright in a car is all I can tolerate before symptoms become bad, though sometimes not that.

Em said...

hi michelle

thanks for writing, she seems fine to me, i need this year to really understand my past. no bars held and all. i find opening up so difficult. nothing to do with trust i dont think, embarrassment maybe. or im uncomfortable with whats in my head. i think attending has come at the right time for me. time to change. i now know that i have physical problems, however i also know that i need to express whatevers in my mind to push me forward emotionally.

when im travelling i usually recline the seat back, pillow behind head, feet on dash. hopefully this will help me travel at little further. fingers crossed.xxxx