norfolk has been booked, three nights from tomorrow. i hope not another one to be cancelled. i was talking to the therapist today, she said i now need to look at life from a different perspective. i have a fluctuating illness (which im still in denial about, which i havent accepted!), and i need to plan accordingly. so if im ill and cannot go, so be it, be kind to myself, urgh whats that!!! seriously she made sense, i need to adopt a different approach.
also she mentioned something about anxiety which felt a bit strange and new, she said ' the body remembers'. for years ive been looking at anxiety from an 'in your head' kind of way. she however, said when you have been in an anxious situation that your body will act in the normal symptom way, when the incident or similiar incident happens your body will react in the same way. for so many years ive been told its the other way round. interesting.
if all is well i will draw the names for the leaf bag on saturday. anyone else like to be entered, please leave your name on the bag post. thanks. x
10 comments:
I hope you are able to make it. I cant even comprehend hpw frustrating it must be for you with this illness. It makes me sad that you are going through this.
hey shelly
me too, i so hope i can make it. frustrating is a good word to describe this illness. x
sending lots of juju your way. just keep swimming xx
Hi Em, all the best for your Norfolk expedition. I hope your fluctuating body ... doesn't!
Interesting comments from your therapist. What she had to say about 'perspective' sounded like solid advice to me, albeit a hard pill to swallow I suppose.
Hi Em,
I think your therapist is right but know first hand how difficult that can be. True acceptance is not easy to achieve because the natural survival instincts are to fight against it. But from personal experience I know beating myself when I cannot do things only adds apprehension and pressure nexts time which accumulates to a point where you are trying to do something from an impossible position. If you can adopt a different approach then I think you have more chance of success, I do believe that.
Not so sure though about the body memory. The mind and body are so interconnected with nerves that we will probably never know. There is in my opinion some sort of memory going on and I, in my case, see this clearly. Its like the memory is so overwhelming that there is no way to stop either its mental or physical manifestions regardless of which one is feeding the other.
Anyway I do hope you manage to make the trip and remember if you can't then that is OK too- contemplating it and organising to do it is a step ahead of me. You are trying and you will get there because if you don't try you never will.
Best of lucj and all the best,
Nechtan
I am sending all my positive vibes your way that you'll be in Norfolk and enjoying yourself. I must say I do like your therapist and her advice. Being kind to yourself is damn hard. It has taken me a long time to accept being sick, not that I'm sure acceptance is the right word. I think my issue was I was spending so much time fighting my body that it became my sole focus, and somewhere along the line I forgot how to live. My body sucks, it's broken and I can't fix it. I can rally against it time and again and it will never hear me, it will never be moved by my actions. I am expending all my energy on something that has no idea in a sense, that I even exist. So I try and focus on the little things, the days I get out the days I can cook or create. To see a finished product knowing how much it took out of me to create is pure joy. It's hard some days and I have to be conscious of my thinking all the time, but in the end it is an easier way. I still do what I need to do healthwise, I still have to alter my way of doing things and there are days, like today, where I'm stuck in bed and I have to suck it up and not pout (though I may have sworn into my pillow a few times today). It's a process I guess, some days I'm better at it than others, I just try to make the better days outweigh the crap ones. Hang in their Em. Thinking of you. :)
thanks nakki, your so much more braver than i. x
hi diver
body did! fluctuate, not much, but hey ive got to get used to this and realise, its gonna happen whether i like it or not. then i have acceptance. x
hi nechtan
the fighting is hard. instinct. sometimes i dont, i just curl up and want out. so, so, confusing.
i think i need plenty of time, mindfulness plays apart too i think. being aware of the situation. the trouble is ive seen a few therapists in my time and some are contridictary. one i remember said to concentrate on the anxiety, another distract yourself, what do i believe. bit of both maybe. x
hi michelle
thanks, do i need to move forward to accept my illness? i didnt think so. still in my mind i go against these flesh and bones, and no matter how long i do this, well you know what happens. fail. i need to plod foward, learn, listen. square shape in a round hole commes to mind. hope your awful symptoms go soon. coughs and colds spread diseases, catch them in your handchieves. why dont people learn to be more careful spreading their germs! take care. x
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