15 July 2009


be honest, am i somewhat square? whats the impression, anybody, who reads the words that i write, do i seem square and out of touch?

throughout my life ive seemed like the, well i wouldnt say nerdy kid, but somewhere along those lines. i was never miss perfect although i tried to be. i would come out of school with my hair dishevelled, inky hands, socks fallen down. i was never in the 'it' crowd, but never in the nerdy crowd. just average, plain, in the middle. and thats how i feel in my head.

i was always on the go, rushing around, finishing things, then thinking whats next on the agenda, before actually enjoying whats just passed. fast in speech, so that i would trip over my words. i even had a pink pair of national health specs, that i wore once at school, and never again. thats why i think ive put off wearing glasses for so long.

i feel intimidated by certain people. shy, but not in my head.

i hesitate before making decisions. sometimes i dont even choose, its easier to leave things well alone. mistakes i used to hate, until i had some therapy, and the therapist said, ' go make some mistakes'.

even posting on here, i rush through the words. make spelling errors, read the words over and correct them, not all of them though. i know in the beginning i wouldnt even read my work over, just let the words be incorrect, as i could feel the embarrassment rising looking at the page.

does anyone else feel like this or is it only me?


d said...

if it helps, i wore those awful glasses at school too , was myopic, red haired, awkward , scruffy and stuttered. i managed to spend a decade or so at school utterly absorbed in self-consciousness without making a single friend . we all have our own core personalty and traits and i guess we only think other people are more normal/balanced/human than we are because we dont know them.

diver said...

Hi Alice. That was a nice outreaching post. Hey, I don't think you're 'square' at all. I think you're most genuine; and also rather neatly wabi sabi - as indeed most 'anxiety bloggers' are (especially the left handed ones ;-) As for dishevelled, inky hands, socks fallen down, average, plain ... congratulations, I'm pretty sure these are all 'superior' qualities.

Try not to recriminate about your posts ma'am - just be yourself and 'blog for yourself'. I have this theory that if we are genuinely 'ourselves' online it ends up doing wonders for our confidence and social anxiety in the so-called 'real world' :)

Coffeecup said...

Hi Alice, I read your blog because it's honest and I can relate to it. If you're square than me too. I've never felt as though I fully fitted in and can't explain it. No good being clever in a state run comprehensive school I guess? Those kids will crucify you for wearing the wrong kind of shoes or having an answer when they haven't got a clue. It made me feel on periphery and it's carried through all these years later. Be comfortable being yourself is the best thing I reckon, and don't concern with what other's think. Hard to do I'll be the first to say, but we identify with you, and love you for being yourself.

Coffeecup said...

See, I read that back and my grammer is all over the place.

alice said...

hi d
those glasses. i think they were every kids nightmare. you got them in blue, pink, or transparent. i didnt were glasses for years afterwards i was so embarrassed. i only have to wear them for reading, so its not such a big deal.

hi diver
thats the thing with blogging, ive found somewhere, where i can be myself, with all my faults. i think 6 months in ed therapy helped me some way, yet being able to be myself on here i think that will help in so many other ways. you are right. thanks.

hi steph
being honest. thats what i first thought when i read your blog. i think if only more people were like this. admit there mistakes, be generous with people, then we would all feel comfortable. instead of trying to be this perfect human being. which doesnt exist.
i think as i have so much time on my hands, im thinking things through quite alot.
i think school does play a huge part in our confidence making. and then you carry that around with you for the rest of your life.
as for the grammer. oh i should add lots of ' everywhere. i know i dont (don't)! i just place my fingers on the keyboard and type!
thanks for your words of encouragement.